Speech isn't Free

“Son, shut the hell up…”. Those words spoken by VP candidate, JD Vance, have been on my mind since he said them on the Full Send podcast over the summer. For me, those words hit hard for a couple reasons; one is because I heard that sort of toxic rhetoric frequently in my own childhood. Another reason is because when my mental health was at its worst; when I was drinking too much, anxious, depressed - before getting into therapy – I would sometimes say things like that to my kids when they would express their excitement. Damaging, toxic sentiments would just reactively spew from my mouth. I’d get angry with them when they made mistakes, mistakes made in the course of learning how to be a human in this world, and I would snap at them when they were too loud, and act impatient with them when they didn’t understand something, I’d devalue their efforts…all of the callous behaviors that shaped my own childhood. I remember how defeated I felt, how timid I was to try new things for fear of getting shamed – yet, here I was, doing it to my own kids. For the rest of my life, I’ll regret expressing verbal negativity to the people I love and respect most in this world. It’s a regret I’m thankful to have, though – not thankful for its existence, believe me, I’d take it all back if I could – instead, I’m grateful for the constant reminder to never treat those I love in ways that I’ll come to regret – the pangs of regret are reminders for me to do better, to be a better person. I’ve learned to be more intentional with my words and actions, and now, if I say something that hurts someone, I immediately apologize. One day, when my kids are both grown and out of the house, I know that I’ll miss everything about watching them grow up. I’m thankful for the regret I carry, because now, I’m entirely invested in creating good memories parenting my kids, to hopefully, overwrite some of the bad ones.

“Son, shut the hell up…” the words send me reeling me back in time to the moments of my own childhood when my elation would be slapped away by a single sentence. Words have power. Just imagine looking an excited child in their face and telling them to shut up. Imagine seeing that innocent joy vanish all because of two words. As American citizens we have the privilege of having freedom of speech. It is in every sense of the word, legal and within our rights, to tell our children, or anyone else, to shut up. But just because we are free to speak the words in our minds, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t care about the words coming out of our mouths. Nobody is trying to take away free speech – aside from those that are banning books – Rather, people are just trying to get others to understand the power that their words hold – power to influence, power to shape, power to destroy. Because speech isn’t really free – there is an inherent cost, particularly when using toxic rhetoric. JD Vance was free to tell his seven-year-old son to shut up, but the price of those words could be a future relationship with his son. His son could choose to distance himself from the unfeeling “free speech” of ignorance. The cost could be the ability to be in the lives of future grandchildren.

The family values that I hold now are not the ones that I was raised with – not even close. I rarely felt wanted, much less, valued, as a child. I didn’t have anyone pushing me to meet goals, to go for my dreams, I didn’t have someone loving me and guiding me at the same time. Now, I don’t speak with anyone in my family. I chose to separate myself from them because they only brought frustration and stress to my life. I didn’t come by this choice lightly. It’s hard to separate yourself from people that share your DNA – regardless of the strains of those relationships. Not having a family is incredibly lonely - particularly around holidays. Sometimes I feel isolated, invisible, and incomplete because I don’t have anyone in my life that knew me before I was an adult. Sometimes I feel untethered and detached, like I could just float away and no one would even know. Despite enduring feelings of emptiness and loss - I’m happy with my choice because the few people that I have in my world are in it for the right reasons and I cherish time I get to spend with them.