Prisoner of Love, Part II: Last Will and Testament

I always meant to put a will in place, but I kept pushing it off for later. Now, I'm regretting putting it off, but I can't afford an attorney to do it now. Please consider this my last will and testament should I go missing or pass away. Everything that I own, and everything that I am owed, is to be divided equally amongst my two children. There are several life insurance policies that have been taken out on me by greedy people who wanted to end my life for financial gain. Please cancel these fraudulent policies and honor my request to bequeath everything; all assets, finances, physical propertes, and Intellectual property, to my children.

If I disappear it will likely be at the hands of a parent, a sibling, an uncle (who [allegedly] poisoned my grandmother slowly over time until she passed away), or it's my ex-husband. I've been intentionally isolated and placed in the perfect position to go missing. A smear campaign, intended to damage my reputation, started years before I was even aware of it. I'm trying to save myself, to dig myself out of the hole I'm sitting in. I'm trying really hard, but I'm meeting blocks everywhere I go. The campaign had already negatively impacted so many aspects of my life - from relationships with people, to businesses I use. They've said that I'm a liar, an addict, a prostitute, and more. None of those things were ever true about me. I experimented with drugs in my 20's, before my daughter came along. I used alcohol as a crutch, a numbing substance, as a maladaptive coping mechanism for many years. I was reliant on it, at times, to stabilize my moods, to make me forget my pain, but I was never an addict, more of a binge drinker. Once I severed ties with toxic relationships, I no longer needed to numb, so I just quit drinking entirely for a while. As for prostitution, that's a completely unfounded lie. I've never paid, or been paid, for sex, nor am I promiscuous, or selling nudes on O.F. The prostitution lie was projected onto me by my adulterous ex husband. He said i cheated on him, and he made people feel sorry for him. He even blamed his need to drink on mental anguish that i caused him. In reality, he was an abusive drunk, and I found him repulsive. I focused on work and my kids. I was celibate for many years - not cheating, just not into him. We simply coexisted. I'm not sure when the smear campaign officially kicked off, because most days we didn't even talk. He has drafted a shocking amount of weirdos to his gang of stalkers, so i assume it's been going on for a quite some time. One of the ways he recruited supporters to his campaign of hate was by creating fake profiles online. I'm not a big social media user, so it never crossed my mind to check sites for profiles using my information. Additionally, It didn't cross my mind that anyone would ever want to create a profile of me. I'm pretty boring, mostly a homebody, a happy introvert who rarely leaves home. Over the years, a lot of profiles have been made using my photos - some real, some edited, and some were entirely generated using AI. Social media can be used in so many malicious ways, and we haven't even begun to regulate that rocky terrain, and now we've added AI.

The unhindered, unregulated ways we're allowing AI to be used will destroy many lives, just like it has mine. Innocent people have their photos manipulated everyday, and nobody does anything to stop it. We can report an account if we come across it, but is anything ever really done about the accounts? It doesn't seem so, but if someone uses particular words like drugs, rape, murder, etc, in their content, the account is quickly flagged, and the material is taken down. We have skewed values, and a system that's easily manipulated . Our society isn't ready, or capable of handling such sophisticated, corruptible technology. My life was destroyed by people who easily made fake profiles using my likeness. Profiles that were used to show the court, potential business contacts/job prospects, and people that I once considered friends, that I was unfit to live and thrive in society with everyone else. Their profiles were meant to make me out to be a throwaway person, someone whose disappearance shouldn't be looked into should I go missing. Their reasons for doing this are ridiculous; all of this sabotage and harassment is over money and crushed egos. We live in a society where financial success is limited to very few people, despite the fact that there's more than enough wealth for anyone willing to put in the work to get it. Instead, most people are kept hovering, just above above the line of poverty, by long outdated pay scales. People need to be paid better, our society depends on it. Fear of destitution is allowing a dog-eat-dog mentality to prevail. Good people, who wouldn't normally seek to hurt others are placed in a bind where they're desperate to pay the mortgage, keep food on the table, or pay for a medical expense. They become more willing to resort to crime if it keeps them above water financially.

My family has convinced others that I'm a bad person. They offered incentives tto anyone who could thwart my progress with malicious gossip and lies. The fact is, they project their worst attributes onto me because I'm able to see each of them for who they truly are. They needed to ruin me before I ruined them. It worked to their advantage that I'm not the vengeful sort, and I'm, quite possibly, too comfortable staying home alone. I'm often the last to know anything. But, people were too quick to buy into a narrative spun out of pure greed and jealousy. They didn't check their sources, and they fell for lies. Now some, otherwise good, people have been aiding and abetting criminals. They're wrong about me. I try to always operate using my best intentions. I make mistakes, I say the wrong things, and do the wrong stuff sometimes, but my intention is never to harm another person. Despite my best intentions, I haven't been able to get many people to see the real me. As my life disintegrates around me, my attempts to reach out to Key Bank, the local police, abuse shelters, domestic violence hotlines, strangers, the state police, the Governor - all of my attempts are met with gaslighting, rudeness, or an inability to offer any assistance to me at all. My hands are tied. I've tried to get help from all angles, now I'm turning to the internet. I'm not a bad person. I have one LinkedIn account and one Face Book account. My Facebook account is unverified, but you will find this story shared there amongst other statements I've made in regards to my current situation. I wrote all of the essays on this blog, and I have an HR/Operations Consultancy called Insightful Human. My professional goal is to make the workplace more lucrative and accessible to everyone - but I focus a bit more on Neurodivergent accessibility.

In 2021, my world collapsed. I had recently left my abusive ex, and a toxic job. I was drinking more than I should've been. The alcohol, plus years of compacted, unresolved trauma made me toxic. For a few years, I woke up unhappy everyday. Some of those days, I was hungover too. I became a person that I hated being. I snapped at people, I was short with my answers, and my temper was quick to rise, but that was the extent of my outward toxicity - I kept most of it inside. The negativity that overshadowed my outlook on life was oppressive. My toxicity festered and started eating me alive - there was always a vitriolic line of thought in my head, my body was tense, and I was anxious Most days I just stewed in my own unhappiness and insecurities. I became so self hating that I planned to end my life. I was organizing details so that my kids wouldn't be the ones to find me. As I planned, I kept reflecting on my recent behavior. I was haunted by each time I'd snapped at someone for asking a question, I reflected on all the times I just sat glaring and fuming - completely unapproachable by anyone whether their intentions were good or bad. The worst memories were the ones where I snapped at my children. When I cut them off for asking a question, or I answered them rudely, or ignored them entirely so that I could drink in silence in my bedroom. I realized that I hadn't been living in a way that i wanted to be remembered for, in a while. If I died as things were, my children would remember me as an angry, resentful presence in their life. I couldn't go out leaving them with the same legacy my mother left on me. It was like god intervening, showing me that I couldn't leave yet. I had to repair my children's future. I had to better my relationships with them and show them just how much they were loved. I needed to erase any marks that my bitter negligence had left on their lives. I needed to end the cycle of trauma to protect them, and to protect my future grandchildren.

I quit using wine to escape reality and started looking at the issues that made me want to drink in the first place. I cut out toxic relationships, I rebuilt my confidence, my self-worth, I started working out, I weaned myself off the antidepressants that often compounded the problem they sought to manage. I got brutally honest with myself about the way I'd been living my life, and I began rebuilding myself into a person that I could love, and that was worthy of love from others. I examined each of my traumas from all angles - I explored the reasons that each one existed, and the impact it had on me. There were so many situations and occurances that had the potential to dysregulate me emotionally. An arrogant person could send my nervous system into fight or flight just by challenging my ideas. I took constructive (and non-constructive) criticism so personally that I often wallowed in it for hours afterwards. But that wasn't me , and it wasn't my personality - I was just so used to gaslighting and having to defend myself, that I became prone to overreacting and over explaining anytime I felt challenged. I realized that my emotions were being used against me by my family, my ex, and my manager. They used my trauma as a weapon to control me, and to control how others perceived me. I started looking at constructive criticism as a way to grow. I thought about things people had said about me in the past, and I saw that some of it was accurate. The best constructive criticism I received was from the universe. Like when something major in your life collapses, and as your watching your world crumble, you begin to see the err of your ways, and a new, better path forward emerges from the dust. I embraced stoicism, particularly the stoic wisdom of Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus, to reframe the way I looked at, and responded to, whatever comes at me in life - healthy detachment. My family likely believes that if they keep the pressure on me, by making me lose every little shred of dignity that I have, that I would eventually end up getting drunk and spinning out on them. They need current recordings of me behaving in a way that fits their narrative as evidence to present in court to prolong giving me what I am owed.

If I pass away, please help my children to get what I died fighting for. I want everything that is owed to me. My darling daughter has supported me financially for years. I've been out of work for 5 years - partly because I needed time to heal old wounds, and partly because I haven't been able to land any sort of work since 2021. my daughter never should have had to finance my life for so long, but she did, and she never complained, or made me feel like a dead weight . She's been my only beacon of light. she's given me the best advice, and helped me when i had nobody else to ask. She's inspired me in more ways than i can express without sounding hyperbolic. Every time I look at my children, I know I did something right in the world. My son has an amazing sense of humor, and his sweet, yet stern demeanor keeps me grounded on days, when my confidence is low . I love my children more than anything. My love for them helps me to realize that all the people who come against me are someone's children. Phrasing it this way, sometimes helps me to see the bigger picture. It helps me to forgive people so that I don't get weighed down. My enemies are hellbent on revenge, but i only want justice.

At the end of the day, each of us are god's children. After I've alchemized an injustice, I throw it back to the universe, knowing that justice will come in due time so I can put it out of my mind until that time comes. I use the term God when I write because that's the name I've used most of my life, but I prefer to use Spirit, sometimes I say Most High, sometimes I say Sky Daddy. We can call god by any name and they all refer to the same energy - they're all the Divine, the Most High. Sometimes people isolate their vision so much they can only see what's going on directly in front of them. They forget to zoom out to see the bigger picture - that we're all the same. We come in different shapes, sizes, races, we pray differently, we live differently, and love differently, etc - but fundamentally, we're all the same. We're all human beings. We can tell ourselves apart from the horses and the chickens - of course we all came from the same divine source. and that is God, Spirit, Allah, Universe, whatever name you choose shall be. God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent, and can be transform into what's requested of them.

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